Look, if you are a survivor of any of these things, you may probably be laughing at how exaggerated I was/am feeling. But, I do admit I have a weaker soul than most. I am not as tough as I look. Go ahead, you may roast me.
As I am writing this, I have tested positive and started quarantining (I honestly don’t know what day I am in… day 3? Counting is hard.) COVID has never been so real. (OK. I know it is real. It has been among us for the past 2 years.) COVID is close and near and literally within.
I will spare you with all the details and test kits and sore throat as I don’t think it really matters. I am doing fine – I don’t think I will get to meet my beloved Apostle Paul just yet. 🙂 (If you have yet to get vaccinated or boosted, please see side-note. Seriously.)
What I will not spare you is my emotional ride I went on the past 2+ months. (No, I didn’t have COVID for that long. It’s just … I have a rough patch recently. The original post was really meant to be just for one health incident… but apparently COVID is an add-on.)
Ever since October 2021, my body has been experiencing health issues. Each time more serious and emotionally draining than the other. (Still none are deadly. COVID is deadly but I’m not in the high-risk group. Thankfully.)
Yet, each time you see God is more gracious and faithful than the other.
The first incident was really just a combination of my obsession with earrings and poor judgement. Though still no regret – live life on the edge, right? :smirk: I had an ear piercing infection. Yes, go ahead roast me. Yep, I went to the doctor, pull that thing out real quick, and took some antibiotics. Not much learnings other than: I realize my body has interesting and miraculous healing powers, antibiotics are the greatest invention, and, apparently, urgent care is by appointment only these days (still baffles me.. it’s not like I can plan to have an infection… right? Sigh. someone please fix our health system.)
The second incident was a little more involved and chronic. Apparently my body is finally fully reacting to all the stress I have been receiving at work and the Netflix that I indulged in for the past 2 years. My eyes really gave up on me and got diagnosed with (severe) dry eyes and blepharitis (Essentially my eyelids get inflamed easily as my eyelashes have too much bacteria. So when it is occurring, my eyes will be very itchy, teary, and, at times, burning from the dry eyes condition. It doesn’t change my vision though. 20/20 for the win.) Eventually the bottom of my left eye started to develop a chalazion because of my blepharitis (my ophthalmologist explained it as a big o’ pimple but only in my eyelid. And unlike any other pimple, this pimple will seriously take its time to get rid of itself. (6 months to 8 months)) Eventually I had to go to the ophthalmologist (fun fact: I couldn’t pronounce this word for the love of my life. I probably still can’t pronounce it properly even though I met an actual one. Try me.) and he eye-clamped my eye and drained that bump out. (Sorry for a very graphical moment for you. Lets just say.. the whole experience was very eye opening. :P) I walked out of Kaiser that night with an eye patch (well it’s more like a giant gauze taped over my eye) and sang “Aye, aye, Captain! Oh, Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” to myself.
Combating all these eye diseases, I became overly obsessed, self-conscious, and frustrated. I really hated seeing that bump, tried all the self-treatment, and yet still couldn’t do anything about it. I would constantly be staring at the mirror and ask my mom whether or not the bump got enlarged. I couldn’t focus at work and had to call in sick as staring at the screen was literally painful. Netflix went out the door while knowing all my favorite shows have come out with new seasons. And more importantly, I couldn’t participate in all my church’s ministries as my eyes became very sensitive to everything (sunlight, screens, etc). Fellowshipping and eating lunch in a restaurant full of windows became painful. Driving down to visit the newly formed house church in Santa Clara became a serious commitment or two. Literally all the things that I enjoyed and loved to do – God took all that away.
It got to a point where I got really scared for my life, as well as my dearest brothers and sisters’ lives as they continue to serve our Father faithfully. I didn’t know what would/could happen next and was utterly scared for the next turn.
I lost all the joy in me. I have never felt so incapable and lack of everything.
I spent countless nights with the lights out in my room alone, crying and praying to God – Why? Of all the things, why my eyes? Sure, I have really bad wrists and weak knees and I still live my life. How can I live my life now? And beyond all that, how can I serve you? With all the ministries going on and developing and at the most vulnerable moment, why have you sidelined me—literally? Is this what I will have to face ultimately when I choose to faithfully serve your kingdom? Is this the cost for picking up my cross?
All I heard was: You will be grounded. Here. In my green meadows. You will truly learn how to drink from my fountain of life. You will truly learn how to rest in me.
It didn’t make sense to me. At first. But as my mom reminded me (God bless this lady.), it’s like learning how to float. The more you try and “fight” the water, the more likely you will drown. Floating is just letting go and surrendering to the water.
Letting go and surrendering to Him. Let Him lift you up.
So that was what I did. I let go and floated. I rested. I rested in His presence as there’s literally nothing I could do. Sure, I can only stare at the screen for X amount of times and I have to use the eyedrops every few hours and take many more screen breaks. Yet, I am still here, typing this up and sharing my story. Sure, I can’t indulge in watching TV as much or walking in indoor malls as the bright light kills my eyes. Yet, I can still laugh with my friends and enjoy each other’s company. Sure, I’m sidelined and can only hear about the latest ministries development and pray over them. Yet, I still see our church ministries flourishing in which God shows me how my abilities are truly so infinitesimal in comparison to His power. Sure, there will still be days where I overthink and getting frustrated over my eyes. Yet, God continues to fill my cup and refills some more.
Fast-forward to now.
The current incident is me being part of the statistics now. God grounded me again. I am sidelined again. It is a time full of fear and uncertainty of whether or not if I have passed it on to the rest of my family to a time full of self-guilt that I have created this whole fiasco of events to a time of solitude and quietness. Sure, I definitely have overthought, overreacted, and over-worried during this whole time. (And probably will again at vulnerable moments.)
But yet, all I hear is: Come and rest in my green meadows. You are my child. You are no longer a slave to fear. You are loved by me.
I will rest in His green meadows.
I will drink from His fountain of life.
I will stay grounded in His firm foundation.
I will sing His praises for He is faithful and good to me.
My cup is filled with His joy and peace.
– 24 years old Faith in a grandma’s body.
PS: If you are one of the brothers/sisters who does not believe in getting vaccinated, this side-note is for you (this is not to condemn and the choice is still on you): I firmly believe and trust our Father that He would want us to be as healthy as we can be and also be smart about our bodies… we gotta take care of our temples right (1 Cor 3:16-17)? Science and our faith does not contradict each other but rather a complement. I’m sure God has allowed the vaccine to be available to the world for His Purpose. Think about it: in the end, if you end up getting incredibly sick, how can you continue your mission that He entrusted you? I truly thank God every second that I am able to still be here at this very moment (and my family as well) because we have all been vaccinated and soften the symptoms. Getting or not getting the vaccine is not a testament of faith — it should not be. But rather: Despite being vaccinated and yet still caught COVID. Despite being hopeless and desperate. Despite everything else, we are still able to overcome and stay hopeful because we are children of God and He will take care of us 300%. This should be our testament of faith. This is my testament of faith.
P.P.S: super super super shoutout to all my friends, Channel@San Jose, and family for continuously and unceasingly praying for me and cheering me on. Without y’all, I probably have fallen into a really really deep dark hole.
Some good reads on how effective vaccines are against Omicron :
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/how-effective-are-covid-19-vaccines-against-omicron
100PercentFaith 
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