To: Kobe

It's been a little over a year since I've shared with you all... I know you deserve a lot of updating. Forgive me. But to be completely completely honest... I find myself a little shy as I'm writing this... a little hesitate in sharing all the details with you... the 18 years old Faith, the #no-filter Faith who could've written her heart out in a heartbeat is gone unfortunately. Call it maturity or just the side-effects of being adult where the experiences are no longer straight forward like passing an exam and much more delicate and complex where it is hard for even myself to reflect upon and face head-on like writing a blog post... maybe that's why I've been absent....But hey, if you've been following me on Instagram (shameless plug) and my new fond discovery of  photojournalism (no, I'm still not that sophisticated, just  a pure amateur.), then you will know 2019 was a thing or two. (Although I haven't been sharing my Instagram story lately either....) So, maybe I will come around and share out some interesting (?) experiences I had later on with a slightly adult filter applied and an ounce of courage to share. 

This is a tragic post. And by the end of the post, you may be disappointed or even angry at me or my family or even the world. A post which I can’t figure out what reactions it may inflict on you. So beware… you have been warn.

Kobe was our family mascot after Lucky (if you still remember that ancient post then props to you.) We had him for 4 years (?). He was introduced to the family by a church friend. At first we were hesitate in letting him joining our family as we already had a heartache with Lucky before. But we still decided to give him a chance and embraced him like a newborn baby with excitement and hopes that our house will be again filled with furry fun and laughter…..The first night after we picked him up, he was so shy that he only stayed in the garage and barely made any eye contact with any of us. Cute.

And so it goes.

Kobe was like a little brother to me. (Although I would say he had even a higher status in the household than me. what a life I have. just kidding.) A slightly love-hate relationship—just like in any siblings relationship, the younger sibling would get in trouble and thus the parents would yell at the older sibling instead (sorry Grace and Ruth). And that was exactly the case. One time when Kobe was only a year old (.. or maybe less. I’m not good with dates), Ruth and I decided to let him out of his cage in the house and let him play outside in the backyard while our parents were gone, just because we thought he looked so sad and bored inside his cage. This decision was really out of pure kindness. When he got out, he ran and ran with such joy and freedom like what he was born to do. All of a sudden a horrible cry he let out and then laid on the ground, Ruth and I cried with panic and puzzlement. A second ago, he was just running around, trampled on some flowers that he done more damage to than the reverse and now he’s crying like he was about to have his last breath..Ruth and I both thought we were dead meat. By the time when my parents came back home, Kobe has calmed down a bit but still laying on the ground with minimal movement. Indeed the older siblings got the most flames. Our parents were furious with us for letting him out. After returning from the vet, we found out: 1. Kobe was not dying. 2. Kobe only sprang his muscle for running too fast. 3. Kobe’s pain tolerance was a bit low given that he was a German Shepard and Husky mix. 4. Kobe was definitely a drama king just like any other younger sibling (again sorry Grace and Ruth).

At that moment, I told myself I would never touch Kobe ever again. Ever.

And of course when it comes to any siblings relationship, that above statement is 99% false. (I love you too Grace and Ruth.)

As Kobe grows and mature to his adult size, his characters also became apparent. To put it nicely, Kobe was a very very loyal dog. If he likes you and your scent then he really really likes you. Licks your face even if you tell him you don’t want your first kiss to be from him. Jumps up at you with full charge just to express his warm welcome….To put it not so nicely, Kobe was a very very intimidating dog. If he didn’t like you and could sense your fear for him, then he would be aggressive with no mercy. Kobe was rejected by multiple dog day care centers because he was just not good with strangers and his other furry friends…..Oh and not to mention, his stealing habits. Oh man, Kobe was born to be a thief. (One time he stole my dad’s dentures. Scared the hell out of all of us) He could rob a bank if he wanted to. So ultimately Kobe was a troublemaker. The odd child. But yet we all loved him because he was everyone’s best friend and everyone’s favorite drama king.

Because of the more intimidation and aggressiveness that Kobe possessed in comparison to other dogs, our parents were very careful of Kobe and strangers. Because we had the worst fear that Kobe would cause trouble to strangers and we would face legal consequence or whatnot. And so we rarely brought him to dog parks. When we invited our friends to our house, we would be very careful of introducing him to them. Our parents installed extra door fences in order to prevent Kobe from running out of the house and venture off. (Remember Kobe likes to run franticly everywhere anywhere). When I say we were being extra careful, I am not joking. extra. careful.

At one point, I would ask myself how come our family always have to deal with an odd child (Lucky was also an odd child too.) How come we can’t be like any other dog owners who can really fully enjoy the company of their furry friends without having the constant worst fear and stress that Kobe brought upon us. But like that phrase right? No child left behind. So we gave Kobe so many chances—determined that Kobe would never be left behind.

Now fast forward to 3 weeks ago.

The worst fear became reality.

Unfortunately I really don’t want to share the details of the whole incident as I really lack courage to relive the tragedy that happened that night. Let’s just say, Kobe’s running really got the best of him. And a really hard decision was brought down upon our family. (Fortunately, no one was seriously injured and no legal actions were taken toward us.)

A decision that conflicts our logic and affection. A decision that gives a little sense of relief but yet an immense sense of guilt. A decision that draws a clear line between humans and animals.

Animal Control approached us. We surrendered Kobe to the shelter. And just 2 days ago, we got notified that they have put Kobe down.

Even now, I can’t figure out how I feel about this. A tragedy indeed. We really did tried our best to take care of Kobe but yet the worst happened. We protected him from the worst at our best but yet the worst happened.

I feel guilty for saying that I am relieved but yet Kobe was really out of our control and really did stressed the family out. I feel so cruel for letting things turn out the way it is but yet indeed from a logical standpoint Kobe does pose a threat to our community.

This will be a conflict that I don’t think I will ever reach a conclusion.

And so it really goes.

I am sorry for having to leave you behind, Kobe.

I am very very sorry, Kobe.

I hope.. you can finally run around anywhere wherever you are now— what you are born to do without any humans authority.

-23 years old Faith

PS. FYI: For those who are relying on Facebook to get notified for my new blog post, I don’t use Facebook anymore. So please follow me on Instagram (shamless plug again) or find other means to get notified or just give my blog up. Your choice.