A slight disclaimer: As with this writing piece and everything else happening in this world--- it is darkest before dawn.
I’ve read an article that gave out tips on how to keep yourself sane during these chaotic times and one of them was journaling. So here I am.. trying to write. (You should give it a try too. Write. Draw. Vlog. Really gives your mind a well deserve quiet time.) (Also second tip, limit on your news/media intake. Your heart can only take so much bad news in a day. I’m limiting to morning news with Lakshmi Singh and evening news during dinner time.) I will try to share something positive as much as possible.
(Un)fortunately, this COVID19 is not the first coronavirus outbreak that I have lived through. (hopefully I will live through this one.) Back in 2003 when I was in first grade, SARS happened. Still remember my mom came racing home after her morning shift from the hospital, first thing she said on the verge of tears, “there’s no more rice at the supermarket downstairs.” And then she gathered my sisters and I and had a very long and desperate prayer. The whole time I was watching my mom through my 6 years old lens and wondered why she was going through such desperate emotions…To a 6 years old, SARS meant no school which further meant sleeping in and staying home all day watching TV. Basically a second summer break with an inconvenience of wearing facial masks when going outside and seeing my mom going straight to the shower after returning from the hospital. Did I worry about not having enough food? nope. toilet paper? hell no. However at some later point, I did worry for my mom as I barely saw her and realized she didn’t have the time to play with us anymore.
Indeed innocence is bliss sometimes. being a kid meant having no fear. Being a kid meant not having enough context of the world to have tremendous fear in these situations besides understanding the numbers in red on the news were bad since they represented the death toll. No job insecurities. No mortgage to carry. No rent to pay. Only seeing adults’ worried faces.
If only I could see COVID19 with the same lens as my 6 years old self.
From the very beginning when COVID19 started showing up on the news, I already had a flashback to my SARS days. And thought to myself, hmmm this is awfully too familiar... That was only a thought as U.S. didn’t have any confirmed cases at the time. We continued along with our lunch discussions and hovered over this virus topic as a foreign issue. This virus was just a distant thing. Hoarding toilet paper was just a distant thing. Supermarket with empty shelves was just a distant thing. Facial masks costing over $200 was just a distant thing. The only thing that was not distant was buying more 3M stocks and looking at memes relating to a pack of beer. This distant COVID19 thing would never cross the Pacific and become a near reality for us.
And so we have all thought.
Fast forwarding to 1 week before SIP was issued, my company sent out a company-wide email which highly recommended us to work from home for at least a week, I thought of many things…mostly complaints such as not being able to play board games with my team the coming Friday and the drop in productivity while working from home. But all with hopes that this recommendation will only go on for a week or so.. 2 weeks tops. Before I left the office that day, I jokingly asked my manager whether if I will see him soon. We both chuckled. When I reached the empty parking lot with my monitor and keyboard at hand, I looked up the dark evening sky, thinking what a time we are in. I hopped into my car with an eerie feeling creeped up my spine.
The Friday when Trump hold an announcement and declared a national emergency, I was in my car listening closely to what his plan was—hoping to gain some reassurance that things will be fine. Naive and disappointed. I hopped out of my car with a heavy realization: COVID19 is not distant anymore. It is here.
When the mayor of SF declared SIP taking to effect that very Monday night, I entered a rollercoaster of emotions and a new reality.
Panic. As soon as the news flash, we raced to Safeway — grabbing whatever food we can. Safeway became surreal as there were so many empty shelves and long lines of people at the cashier. Everyone scrambled to get as much as they could because no one knew how SIP would unfold. A dystopian reality where there’s no more pasta and toilet paper was a 404 Not Found.
Fear. Even with my bare knowledge from my high school economy class, I knew the market would plummet. Businesses came to a sudden halt. Hiring came to a sudden halt. Production came to a sudden halt. But yet paying bills is still a thing or two. People living paycheck to paycheck with no savings are forced to be put out of work…. I can’t help but fear for my own job position — a new grad with barely any solid experience, working for a product that mainly serves small businesses. How can I not fear when unemployment rate skyrocketed and big companies are starting to have layoffs. A reality where it oddly reminds me a little of The Great Depression.
Anxiety. There were moments when I would stare out my window and tears would trickle down. Bad news are everywhere and good news are no where to be found. People are getting infected and dying. But yet, we have no way of preventing. It is undeniable that this is only the beginning of a long nightmare as we trench toward a dark and gloomy future. How can we recover from this? Will we ever be able to recover from this? Will we ever find the right cure? A reality where there are only questions but no answers.
It only gets worse before it gets better.
Appreciation. Two months into SIP, I came to appreciate things that I didn’t have before and possess now and things that I have taken for granted before and no longer possess now. The fact that being young and alive really has a significance. The fact that everyone I know (especially my mother and Ruth who are the frontliners in this pandemic) is still alive and well. The fact that I still have a job and I can work from home (which also slightly helps keep my mind off of COVID for a bit). The fact that I have so much more time and energy because of not needing to commute so that I can do things like sitting outside my backyard and make new attempts like building legos and making my own iced coffee at home. The fact that I can still talk and see my friends virtually and also the reminiscent times when we can talk and see each other in person. A reality where COVID stripped away my old lens and forced me to put on a new lens with a whole new appreciation of the things that really matter.
Hope and Reassurance. I watch my 9 months old nephew continues to grow all the while the pandemic continues to unfold. I remind myself: this too shall pass. This pandemic will end eventually. Vaccines are being developed and tested as we speak. People are resilient as they find new ways to support their businesses and communities. There will be a time when we will look back to this time and acknowledge this new emerging reality. In the end, God is in control—above all nations and powers. No matter how chaotic it is right now or how much worse it will get. Just like how the sun rises and sets everyday: God delivered us from the past. He will deliver us again.
Dawn will come.
-23 years old Faith
100PercentFaith 
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